Friday, January 8, 2016

Rants about news and cable TV

Look. My blog is like a swamp lately. Pessimistic and dreary. I know this.
I woke up thinking, "I'm going to post something happy and bright and shiny!" But upon coherent consideration I realized that would be inauthentic and come off as such. So please, just weather the storm. It'll make the brightness at the end seem all the brighter... or some such Sam Gamgee-esque quote.

This post is a rant on cable television. And it only scratches the surface of my frustration. I'll do my best to keep it brief and entertaining.


I want to take American cable TV out back and smack it with a severed section of garden hose. I'll wear gloves so I can beat it for a good half-hour without having to worry about blisters or anything.

Televised news is profit-oriented, ratings-oriented, hacked and dismembered to serve an agenda. It's not news. Stop calling it news. Better yet, stop watching it. Stop feeding the hype and it will cease to be.
Want a bigger picture? Find a news aggregator. The good ones are customizable. If you try hard enough, you could probably get it to cater to your personal world-view and you wouldn't have to grow or learn at all! Just like TV news!

To Commercials,
On TV and elsewhere, I'm sick of you. If I have a remote, I mute you. This makes everyone in the room look at me like I'm a freak. I don't care. I feel like I'm getting bent over when you come on. Cable bills are expensive. And so is my time. I'm a busy motherfonger, despite what I convey. So if I stop everything to stare at the electronic rectangle on the wall, I don't want to witness paid actors climax-faking, lying through their teeth, on your stupid products. I'd rather do without any clever, witty ploys to sell your crap, no matter how entertaining. Stop wasting my time. Why do I pay more than any other streaming service and still have to see your stupid face?

Oh, and thanks for blowing up my kid's channels with the same garbage. Boyo is four years old. And until a couple months ago he had never pointed at the TV and said "I need that!" Sure, it's really adorable. He barely has a grasp on what the word "need" means. I'm pretty sure he's just regurgitating a line he heard an older kid say. A line that just happens to have been planted, Inception-style, by a greedy, manipulative system. Boyo needs me to spend $40 to surrender the last free square foot of my living room to a brightly-colored pile of forgettable plastic like I need a colonoscopy from a three-legged rhinoceros in an earthquake.

Not to mention, the content breaks we're able to witness in brief spurts between regularly scheduled commercials are available elsewhere. For cheaper.

I have no further use for cable TV.
But I'm not the only person in the house...